Now I know how…

The last 2 years I’ve learned so much about life, about people, our body and our brain. I’m very grateful for the therapy I received and proud of the journey I made. Yet sometimes it’s also nice to not be so aware of everything. It’s nice to be able to say ‘that’s just the way I am’ and not know any better.

But now I know. 

Now I know my passive aggressive comments are not a healthy way to deal with emotions. 
Now I know laughing it off doesn’t make the pain go away in the long run.
Now I know my upbringing wasn’t all peaches as I thought it was.
Now I know it wasn’t ‘the first 5 years are just tough’ which I told myself every time I felt overwhelmed, mad and frustrated with my kids.

And I know why.

Now I know why I feel so easily triggered by other people’s emotions.
Now I know why I freeze in unexpected confrontations. 
Now I know why I overthink every little detail of every interaction I have.
Now I know why I have such a hard time feeling my emotions.

But most importantly I now also know how.

Now I know how to interpret my emotions, most of the time.
Now I know how to translate my emotions into words.
Now I know how to regulate myself to be able to regulate my kids.
Now I know how to take better care of my needs.

It doesn’t mean I apply it always when I know I should, but most of the time. I always felt like a little girl in a grown up world. And that is shifting. And I’m here for it. I wish I learned all this when I was a kid, but I’m grateful that I’ve learned it know. And hopefully teach it to my kids as well.

The painting I chose for this blog is the first painting I painted without a plan. It was actually the ‘to clean my brushes’ canvas until I saw a woman’s face shining through. It represents hiding in the dark, waiting for the right moment to step in the light. And I feel it’s time now. Check it out here.

x Pau