The search for freedom
Lately I have been thinking a lot about who I am, why I am the way I am, and about who I want to be. What would my life look like without the constraints of the world we live in, the burdens of the past, caring so much about what other people think of me. What would it be having full confidence to go after what you want. Feeling completely free.
That search for freedom has been in the back of my mind a lot. I’ve looked for it in a lot of places. Getting my masters degree to be able to get a good job, to gain financial security. And then another job, to gain more confidence, open up possibilities for future jobs and even more financial freedom. There it was, my first burn out. The solution? Traveling the world for a year, to let go of all the rules and expectations that come with these jobs. And although that felt amazing, I still didn’t feel the freedom I imagined. I already had a new job waiting for me before getting back. Back to deadlines and working harder to regain my confidence. With success.
A great place to start a family. With my husband being at home the first few months, everything felt effortless. He was the perfect natural dad. This was right at the beginning of the epidemic. The world went silent, full focus on just the 3 of us. Loved it. But I also liked being back in the office again. Doing what I’m good at, feeling my confident self again. Baby nr 2 slept even better than her sister. Again, my husband took a few weeks off so it was just the 4 of us. Life was great.
And then everything changed…
Somewhere down the line, things started to get harder. All the confidence I gained working hard in my office jobs, didn’t help me one tiny bit at home. My emotions were all over the place. I was triggered by everything, I started doubting myself and blaming others at the same time. My allergies started acting up really bad, from one injury unto the next.. my body started to fail me. But still ‘everything was fine’. The first 5 years are just hard. Right?
Although I was completely healthy according to the doctors, I’ve never felt worse physically. That’s when I started to see a psychologist. Second burn-out. I soon learned that the body and mind are undeniably connected. I had to come to terms that mentally I was doing possibly even worse.
The urge for freedom became louder than ever before. I felt restricted by everything in life. I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t play sports, I couldn’t sleep. I had to deal with too much stuff I didn’t want to deal with. The only thing I could do and wanted to do was draw. So that was what I did. To keep my mind distracted, focusing on my hands and paper in front of me.
Slowly - very slowly - everything started to fall into place. Why I act the way I do, think the way I do. ADHD and a turbulent childhood, a messy base to build your life on.
Where freedom once meant having enough money and skills to do whatever you want, freedom got a different meaning. I want to be free of all the limited beliefs I have about myself. I want to be in touch with my soul, being able to feel my feelings, trust my gut, go with my instincts.
20-year old me would laugh at these words. ‘Zweefteef’ was probably the word I would have called myself. But now, I would love to be able to call myself a zweefteef :).
Work in progress!
x Paulien
